Monday, December 15, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Best "OUT OF OFFICE" email auto replies
The Best
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail
Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job
interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the
position .
2: I'm not really
out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this
automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are
you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have
missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be
promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,
worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be
patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was
received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer
and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you
return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and
over).
8: Thank you for
your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in
352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for
my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away
to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE
CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for
medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as '
Loretta
'
instead of 'Steve
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail
Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job
interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the
position .
2: I'm not really
out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this
automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are
you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have
missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be
promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,
worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be
patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was
received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer
and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you
return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and
over).
8: Thank you for
your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in
352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for
my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away
to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE
CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for
medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as '
Loretta
'
instead of 'Steve
Monday, September 15, 2008
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Tip of the day-Two Eyes
Its just funny
not in realityyyyyyyy
Hi
*Do you know the relationship between your*
* two eyes?*
* *
*1. They blink together.*
*2. They move together.*
*3. They cry together.*
*4. They see things together.*
*5. They sleep together.*
*6. They never see each*
*other..........*
* *
* However, when they see a woman, one will*
* blink and another will not.*
* *
* **Moral of the story: Women can break any*
* kind of relationship!!! :)*
not in realityyyyyyyy
Hi
*Do you know the relationship between your*
* two eyes?*
* *
*1. They blink together.*
*2. They move together.*
*3. They cry together.*
*4. They see things together.*
*5. They sleep together.*
*6. They never see each*
*other..........*
* *
* However, when they see a woman, one will*
* blink and another will not.*
* *
* **Moral of the story: Women can break any*
* kind of relationship!!! :)*
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wonderful definitions of designations
Wonderful definitions of designations:
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS of producing a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. (Loved it!!!)
10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months.
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS of producing a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. (Loved it!!!)
10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Difference between recruting and employee its great
One day while walking down the street a highly
successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules...."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed
an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.. She was having
such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator..
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell..
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
...
...
...
...
....
....
....
....
....
.....
....
....
.....
....
....
....
.....
....
....
....
....
....
"Yesterday we were Recruiting you, today you're an EMPLOYEE!"
successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules...."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed
an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.. She was having
such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator..
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came
and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell..
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
...
...
...
...
...
....
....
....
....
....
.....
....
....
.....
....
....
....
.....
....
....
....
....
....
"Yesterday we were Recruiting you, today you're an EMPLOYEE!"
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